celebrity gossip, academic style

A few months ago, I wrote a post heralding/interrogating the pleasures of Jezebel. And while I still think the site has a lot to offer, something has happened in the months between that has encouraged me to change my blog alliances entirely — to the extent that I very rarely look to Jezebel. And that thing goes by the name of The Hairpin.

If you follow me or the blog on Facebook or Twitter, you might have a hint of the levels of my affection, as it’s become a source of near-constant linkitude. I wake up in the morning and seriously can’t wait until 10 or so, which is about when the editors start posting. When it’s silent over the weekend, I miss it. I even go back and check comment threads. Ths is some serious affection, you guys, and while I might attribute part of it to slight derangement amidst Hurricane Dissertation, I do hold to some semblance of objectivity, and just in case you’re wondering, no, I’m not being told/paid to say these things, although HEY HAIRPIN, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, WILL YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND?

In fact, I’m writing this because I think that wonders should be shared, especially when they’re wonders that are smart, oriented towards ladies, and refuse to pander. While Hairpin is not explicitly feminist, it’s explicitly intelligent, and applies that intelligence to the way it conceives of the placement of women in the world — whether in the workplace, in relationships, in bed, whatever. My friend Rebecca Onion, who blogs over at Songbirds and Satellites and used to have my all-time-coveted job of working at YM, recently told me that The Hairpin has totally taken on the mantle of the new Sassy…..and while I lacked the access, hipness, and sisters that would have given me access to Sassy at its peak, I know the reputation well, and could not agree more.

Before I get to the really good and juicy reasons to read, I’ll offer a little backstory. The Hairpin is one of three websites currently under the umbrella of The Awl, a blog whose tagline is, appropriately, “Be Less Stupid.” The Awl launched last year as a sort of smart person’s Gawker — with less of a mind towards massive hits, fudging ethical boundaries, and exploiting pornographic images. There’s a certain house style to The Awl (as there is to The Hairpin, which I’ll get to)’ suffice to say that you better like irony, twists of phrase, esoterica, and subjects that might interest hipsters who vow that they are not hipsters simply because they are educated, have beards, live in Brooklyn, and consume working class food stuffs. (My brother is one such person, and he works for what I can only imagine to be The Awl’s print and long form equivalent, n+1, so I’m allowed to make such claims, even if it’ll earn me an email with the subject line SISTER, I AM NOT A HIPSTER, NEITHER ARE MY FRIENDS, YOU ARE SO WRONG ABOUT THE AWL). Whatevs.

The Hairpin is a spin-off site, with the catchy subtitle of “Ladies First,” and functions somewhat similarly to how Jezebel functions within Gawker Media. Sometimes it reposts stuff from The Awl; sometimes The Awl reposts stuff from The Hairpin. There’s some cross-readership, but the real goal is to cultivate a brand that caters directly to women. I don’t have figures on what percentage of Awl readers were women, but I know that the impetus for Jezebel (according to founding editor Anna Holmes) was the fact that 70% of Gawker’s traffic were female — wouldn’t they like a site just for them? (The “brother” site, Splitsider, covers humor. I admit to devoting nearly all of my love to Hairpin, but others of the comedy persuasion have informed me that it is good — this is no Collegehumor.com or funnyordie.com, this is “Political Comedy’s Gender Gap,” et. al.)

The Hairpin went live sometime this Fall (Dissertation, youmakealldaysmeldtogether!) with the following About Me:

Hello and welcome! The Hairpin is a ladies website’ run by Edith Zimmerman and Liz Colville, two grave young women who spend all their time online. A hairpin is also a small tool for keeping your hair in place, and a kind of dramatic turn. For more information on those hairpins, stay on this page or slowly click through our entire archive — there’s surely something back there to answer your questions.

More about us: The Hairpin is a general-interest blog, meaning we’ll be linking to the stories of the day that appeal to us, from politics to makeup to the whereabouts of penis-shaped rainclouds, and is a ladies site insofar as it is run by women, will feature writing by women (although guys should feel free to get at us if they see a place for themselves), and will be mostly read by women….

Even more about us, in the abstract: You know how having cocktails at a friend’s house can sometimes be more fun than the Big Party you go to afterward? And not because the Big Party isn’t fun, but just because hanging out with select lady friends is sometimes unbeatable? This site hopes to be a little like that — a low-key cocktail party among select female friends. Imagine like we’re pouring you a drink. That you can’t actually drink, because it is inside the computer.

If you know me, you know that I am totally the type of lady to prefer the cocktails at the friends house over the party. I am usually the person who’s like “oh come on, lets open another bottle of wine and sit here and talk about THIIIIINGGS!” when people are drunkenly trying to motivate into cabs. Obviously this is the website for me.

And then they published some of the best, smartest, funniest, truest-to-my-experience things I’ve read all year — and continue to do so on every week day. It breaks stories before Jezebel — in fact, Jezebel frequently posts on the same topics hours, hours/days afterwards — and does so with more intelligence and wit. Just like this blog, Hairpin is intended as a site for people who want to take their interest in pop culture (in it myriad gratifying, pleasurable, and disgusting iterations) to a more contextualized, sophisticated level.

I’m going to offer an ample sampling of favorites below, but I do want to make a few caveats:

1.) If you don’t like The Hairpin, I think we can still be friends. (I think). I don’t dislike is absolutely a deal breaker….But The Hairpin might not be for everyone, although all the people to whom I have sent posts have agreed that it is totally the best thing ever.

2.) As mentioned above, The Hairpin has cultivated a bit of a house style, and your love for it will probably have something to do with your feelings towards said house style. As you might have gleaned from previous posts, I love ample use of the THE CAPS LOCK, exquisite use of profanity, puns, elaborate metaphors involving celebrities, personal anecdotes that sorta trail off, self-deprecation, and insightful, intelligent analysis of pop culture phenomena, all of which are present in spades on Hairpin.

3.) Like The Awl, The Hairpin sometimes trucks in esoterica, or at least elite quasi-esoterica. When we get to the part on Vilette below, you will understand what I”m saying. I can’t lie: this stuff makes me happier than anything else. But it might be for you, and I realize that it’s pretty odd, and Hairpin might seem like the kinda nerdy girl in high school who moved away from the small town, eventually went to graduate school and grew into her face, boys finally liked her, and she gained the gumption to start her own blog. OBVIOUSLY NOT EVOKING MY OWN EXPERIENCE HERE.

4.) Hairpin is not just for Ladies! As evidenced by the comment sections, there are many dudes who frequent the site, in part because it is funny and smart and offers some keen insight into ladies (or ladies’ frustration with their representation in the media). So whether you’re a declared feminist or not, a man or a woman, a grad student or actually making dollars, give a try.

A few most excellent incentives and personal favorites:

• Women Laughing Alone with Salad. Click to believe. This is a nice condensation of what makes Hairpin so good: a collection of images, without commentary, that somehow highlights a very specific inanity in pop culture.

• Decoding the Bird-Death Maps. The third decoder is my most favorite.

• The “Best Time” Series, with particular emphasis on “The Best Time I Made Up a Dance Routine with a Friend.” If I were a contributor to this particular piece, I would write about the f-ing SWEET dance routines my brother and I contrived to the tune of Manheim Steamroller, Track 2. They involved a significant amount of living room furniture and jumping.

• The “Ask a Dude” Series, which allows readers to pose questions to a rotating set of anonymous dudes, for its consistent awesomeness/perception/hilarity.

My favorite exchange:

DEAR DUDE: Are you more, “I’m secretly happy the patriarchy has worked out for me” or “I secretly think girls have it easier”? If you absolutely had to pick one.

Dude’s Answer: Are you kidding? The patriarchy has been scattering palm fronds ahead of me every step I’ve ever taken. The patriarchy stops just short of bringing me 7-Up and chicken soup in bed every time I get a sniffle. The patriarchy invented whiskey and then told everyone it was a ‘man drink’ so I wouldn’t have to compete with girls to get it.

Girls have a few things easier. They aren’t taught from birth that being confused or uncertain is a shameful state of affairs that they have to hide from everyone. (Which fortunately isn’t a problem for me, thanks to my UNASSAILABLE CONFIDENCE AND PRETERNATURAL WISDOM.) They have more specialty channels on cable. I personally think that ladies have more of an advantage in dating than most of them realize. But dudes definitely win the balance of the gendered perks.

I will say that the advantage of being a dude is nowhere near what it used to be. I also think that I get more free rides for my skin color than my junk.

• Some Futures I Thought I Might Have , with entries across the ages.

Choice highlight:

Age 12: I will be at a coffee shop, sipping my latte and reading Dostoevsky. Matthew Perry will notice me from another table, and he’ll be looking at me and not the prettier girl behind me. Neither of us will say anything at first. Then we’ll both be in line for more coffee, but I won’t have enough change. From behind me I’ll hear, “Hey, she’s covered,” and a hand will reach past me and pay the clerk. I’ll blush, but in an adorable way, where instead of my face getting red and gross, it’ll just get pinkish up by my cheekbones. My hands won’t get clammy. Matthew Perry will say, “This one’s on me. You get the next one.” And I’ll say, “The next one?” And he’ll say, “Yeah,” and wink.

Later that night I’ll be ringing Matthew Perry’s doorbell. He’ll let me in to his mansion, and kiss me on the cheek. I’ll go weak at the knees and almost fall over, but I won’t. And then we’ll be on his couch, cuddling really hard. He’ll want to watch You’ve Got Mail, and I’ll say, “Me too!” and then we’ll laugh about how silly it all is. How funny and simple life can be. Then we’ll hug tightly. For hours. “You are the best person in the world!” he’ll say to me. “No, you are the best person in the world!” I’ll reply, and we’ll fall asleep.

• Letter’s to the Editor’s of Women’s Magazines. Note: Here, Edith pairs a real letter to a women’s magazine with a made-up one in the same vein. Sounds weird, but trust me, hilarious.

I will neither confirm nor deny that I nearly choked on my dinner while reading the following:

Real Letter: Nothing else is as relaxing as sitting on my couch with a cup of coffee and reading your 600-page September issue.

Anastasia D., via instyle.com (InStyle, December 2010)

Not-so-real-letter: Sometimes when I feel sad I press my fingers into my throat until I fall asleep. I think of it as like a real-life fast-forward button, lol.

Kelsey P., Ontario

• The Very Serious F/M/K Famous People Series, which, if you don’t know what those initials stand for, you obviously never played a drinking game in college. Check out F/M/K Bill Murray, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase.

• “How to Lose 10 Pounds Using Wine and Anxiety.” Probably my favorite post of all Hairpin-time, if only for the precise evocation of exactly what my life would be like if I didn’t have people encouraging me to leave my apartment, consume vegetables, go to yoga.

• And for those of you who a.) like classic novels b.) like costume dramas or c.) are nerds in any way who d.) like caps lock, I cannot, cannot, CANNOT recommend these posts on the best book/best costume drama highly enough. The first, aptly entitled “Books that Beat Their Iconic Sister-Books: Jane Eyre vs. Villette,” begins with the following:

ATTENTION ALL LADIES. YOU ARE BEING LIED TO.JANE EYRE IS NOT THE BEST BOOK. REPEAT: JANE EYRE IS NOT THE BEST BOOK.

The best book is Villette.

And then proceeds with a bunch of esoteric hilarity that encourages you to read the book, and ladies, believe me, as a fan of the Brontes hook line and sinker, I have bought that book and will read it as soon as I get done writing about Britney Spears’ vagina for the tenth chapter of my dissertation. Also: read the comments. On every post, read the comments. These commenters are funnier than most bloggers.

The author of these posts, Carrie Ann Wilner, also has things to say about Dickens, but my most recent favorite has been her bit on Fancy Lady Film Hour: The Leopard, which outlines the specific pleasures of an Italian costume drama starring Burt Lancester from the 1960s.

As she explains: Look, I know and you know that 90% of the reason anyone watches movies is to look at sweet gowns. But sometimes you can’t so much talk about that with other people. Sometimes you need a fancy lady to sit you down and tell you what’s what. If you are going to the Philharmonic on gifted tickets and your boxmates try to chat with you, you can never go wrong saying you preferred the Debussy. Also, there is free champagne in the Patrons’ Lounge. But, you cannot — CAN NOT — tell one more grown-ass human adult how much you enjoyed the Pillars of the Earth miniseries. Stop it. Stop it. Right now. Stop it.

• I posted this to the blog Facebook feed the other day, but I will double dip because its awesomeness only gets better: Anne Hathaway Will Probably Make a Pretty Good Catwoman. I don’t like Anne Hathaway; I don’t really care about the Batman series. Which is precisely why this post is so brilliant: “The women of Batman movies are not the problem, the belief that Batman movies should be more than just Batman movies is the problem.”

• And finally, and obviously most importantly, The Babysitter’s Club: Where Are They Now. Perhaps all I need to say is “Well obviously Kristy is a lesbian.”

If this hasn’t given you ample reason to at least sample Hairpin’s various delights, I have failed as a rhetorician, endorsers, and generalized sycophant, and Hairpin will never want me as its girlfriend.