celebrity gossip, academic style

I’ve been sorting through this question on Twitter all morning: which classic Hollywood stars would dominate Saturday Night Live? It was prompted by my recent piece for Dear Television, entitled “Good, Giving, and Game: Towards a Theory of SNL Hosting,” in which I work through who’s a good host (Timberlake, Hamm, etc.) who’s a bad host (Taylor Lautner), and why. Short answer: you have to be versatile as shit.

Here’s what I said about Josh Hutcherson’s hosting turn from last Saturday, and what lead me to the idea of classic stars:

Here’s a guy who, on paper, should be a horrible host. He’s the (relatively) boring straight man from a franchise (albeit a better franchise than most) and his acting, at least in the first one, isn’t noteworthy. If there’s one thing people know about him, it’s that he’s not whothey would’ve cast as the hot, strong-armed baker-turned-Katniss love interest.

From the beginning of the episode, Hutcherson was all about redeeming himself. In the first sketch, he roundly ridicules the passivity of his Hunger Games character, and in the digital short “Matchbox 3,” about a crew of subway performers who do their acts in very, very confined spaces, he not only makes fun of his height, but gives himself over fully to the role.

And then there’s the most bonkers skit on the show, in which Hutcherson brings home his “new girlfriend” for Thanksgiving, only to surprise his family with the fact that she’s….a turkey.

It’s a classic example of weird, end-of-the-night SNL. It’s not funny, exactly, nor is it entirely satire, but Hutcherson’s ability to straight-facedly make out with a turkey should make us consider him as something more than sad-faced Peeta.

Because Hutcherson is, indeed, more than just a franchise star: he was convincing and embarrassed in The Kids Are Alright, and he’s been slogging through bit roles and kid parts since 2003. Like Hamm, Timberlake, and other recent SNL charmers Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Miley Cyrus, Hutcherson is a workhorse — in classic Hollywood, they called actors like them “troupers” because they’d paid their dues, often since they were young children, in vaudeville troupes, where they’d laugh, cry, sing, dance, do stunts, and then do it all over again 24 hours later in the next town. They were GGG because their very livelihood depended on it. Cary Grant was a trouper, so was Judy Garland — and both would’ve made superlative SNL hosts. Because when it comes down to it, SNL is the vaudeville show for the 21st century, with the ability to bring out the best and worst in its hosts.

For my purposes here, I’m not going to include classic Hollywood comedians — just like my piece didn’t talk about comedian hosts. Those people are good because they’re raised in the tradition. I’m more interested in which stars have the chops to do something as versatile as hosting SNL, and thinking about just how superlative that experience would be. All of the stars below have proven versatility — some of them were raised as vaudevillians, like Garland and Grant, and some are just equally at home in comedy and drama, like Katharine Hepburn. They’re all “good” actors, they all have charisma, and none of them are too serious about themselves or their images: as I say in the piece, they’re “good, giving, and game.” And so, in no particular order, with tremendous assistance from Twitter…..

Classic Hollywood Stars Who Would Be Amazing at Hosting SNL

1.) Cary Grant

2.) William Powell

3.) Carole Lombard (this one I just can’t get over)

4.) Marlene Dietrich (host AND musical act)

5.) Gene Kelly (although he’d be very self-congratulatory/Justin Timberlake about it)

6.) Jimmy Stewart (watch A Philadelphia Story and you’ll understand)

7.) Katharine Hepburn (see above)

8.) Frank Sinatra (w/the rat pack on assist)

9.) Mae West

10.) Talullah Bankhead

11.) Edward G. Robinson

12.) Peter Lorre

13.) Montgomery Clift

14.) Marilyn Monroe

15.) Barbara Stanwyck

16.) Sammy Davis Jr.

17.) Judy Garland

18.) Fred McMurray

 

Classic Hollywood Stars Who Could Either Be Amazing or Truly Horrible, Depending

1.) Ingrid Bergman

2.) Marlon Brando

3.) Elizabeth Taylor

4.) Rita Hayworth

5.) Ava Gardner

6.) James Dean

7.) Vivien Leigh

8.) Debbie Reynolds

 

Classic Hollywood Stars Who Would’ve Been Stiff, Boring, or Horrible

1.) Audrey Hepburn

2.) Greta Garbo

3.) Joan Crawford

4.) Humphrey Bogart

5.) Lauren Bacall

6.) John Wayne

7.) Clark Gable

8.) Gary Cooper

9.) Laurence Olivier

10.) Jean Harlow

11.) Doris Day

12.) Rock Hudson

13.) Clara Bow

14.) Harry Belafonte

15.) Deanna Durbin

 

And a few I can’t decide: Grace Kelly, Joan Crawford, Lana Turner, Burt Lancester, and James Cagney. I’d love your help — and other suggestions — in the comments.