celebrity gossip, academic style

Brief note from Annie: I promise I’ll come back soon and say something excellent about Channing Tatum and every other celebrity — the dissertation is in its final weeks, and then I’ll be free to eat bon-bons and write blog posts to my heart’s delight. In the meantime, enjoy answers from my most excellent colleague Colleen….

1.) What is your name, occupation, website (if applicable)?

Colleen A. Laird
Doctoral Candidate (ABD)
Japanese Cinema and Gender Studies

2.) What is your first memory of being drawn to a star or celebrity?

I believe Jeremy Brett, or rather his version of Sherlock Holmes on
the U.K.’s Granada Home Television Series (aired in the U.S. on PBS’s
Mystery! series back in the 80s) predates my lengthy, childhood
obsession with Harrison Ford, but only just. Then again, that was so
early on that I don’t think I thought of Jeremy Brett AS Jeremy Brett
the person until much later. Maybe I still don’t. I still don’t.

I wish I didn’t think of Harrison Ford as Harrison Ford. It would
have been much better for all concerned if he could have stayed
Indiana Solo.

3.) Who are your heroes of contemporary celebritude, and why?

Tina Fey, Ellen Degeneres, Johnny Depp, Yakusho Koji, and (shock)
Nicole Kidman.

Lady Gaga had me up until the meat dress; it’s been downhill ever since.

Contradictory, oppositional reasons.

First, there’s something a little different about comedians, isn’t
there. I recently watched a series of interviews on You Tube between
Dawn French and smattering of British comediennes. She asked each one
outright if their draw to humor was connected to their body image and
childhood struggle to fit in. Although force-fed questions are a
little circumspect, each woman agreed that comedy was a way of
overcoming perceived sex and beauty barriers, of getting attention and
fitting in by some means other than looks.

I’ll buy that. Even though all celebrities—and us non-celebrities,
too, for that matter—are performing constantly, the performance of
humor is rooted, in this sense, in actually bridging interpersonal
distance and getting along with other people. Of being liked. But
this is a certain kind of humor; by distinction it is NOT the more
abrasive humor of, say, Lewis Black, Margaret Cho, Sarah Silverman,
and Zach Galifianakis. Ellen Degeneres and Tina Fey, with their
self-deprecation, general good nature, and attentive, topical, clever
wit, are focused on making their audience feel at ease and
entertained. They want people to like them and it works. I like
them. They fall into the celebrity category of People I Want to Hang
Out With Slash Want To Be: smart, funny, gracious, hard working,
articulate, and seemingly levelheaded.

Second, Johnny Depp and Yakusho Koji are exactly what I want my male
movie stars to be: gorgeous and completely, unattainably bizarre. To
be honest, I’m not really into the idea of a celebrity’s “real life,”
not the least of which is because I know, like hopefully everyone who
is paying attention to your blog, that I will never know about these
celebrities “real lives”…unless I actually, know them. Then again,
I’m not really sure I know about most of my friends’ “real lives.”
I’m pretty sure Facebook is the everyman’s star vehicle. Anyway, I
am, however, deeply fascinated by creative weirdos. I’ll spend hours
watching old clips of The Actor’s Studio or Letterman interviews, but
I don’t read celebrity gossip columns. Which is to say, I’m
interested in watching these people perform more, to see how they
perform themselves. I’m not so keen on what they are actually telling
Letterman, so much as how they are saying it. Johnny Depp owns an
island in France and had most of his teeth capped in gold. As far as
I’m concerned, he is not a real person. And I don’t want him to be.
Yakusho Koji is Japan’s most celebrated and versatile contemporary
actor. He is basically the Japanese Johnny Depp, but with generally
better hair. I’m pretty sure he would, like Depp, take a role for the
opportunity to shred a table with his bare hands.

Similarly, Nicole Kidman is basically everything I want in a bone fide
Hollywood female star: she makes me feel star-struck. I don’t care
about her first marriage, or her kids, or her botox equivocations
(although clearly I know about all of these things), but I absolutely
am occasionally obsessed with what she’s wearing, her acceptance
speeches, her posture, her mannerisms, and her changing accents. I
will watch any film that woman is in. Even a Noah Baumbach film.

Johnny Depp, Yakusho Koji, and Nicole Kidman all fall into the
celebrity category of Imaginary People I Want To Look At A Lot.

Recently, I’ll admit I’m kind of impressed with Jesse Eisenberg’s
public persona. Man, that kid is not sincere about anything
(publicly); it’s all a big ride on the irony train. Lady Gaga had
that going for her for a while, but then, you know, meat dress.

4.) Who are your favorite participants, broadly speaking, in the
history of stardom, and why?

My favorite participants, not my favorite stars.

Well, I’ll cheat and say that here are a few I find fascinating:

Katherine Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn. She owned
it. I’m sure all film scholars feel this way.

Tyra Banks. I mean, have you seen her shows? Have you seen her be a
tiger? Have you seen her tell young women to not smile like this but
like this? Have you seen her smize h to t? Incredible business
woman; completely bonkers.

Mia Farrow. Oh. So. Tragic. Mia Farrow has one of the strangest and
just mind-boggling Hollywood narratives I’ve ever read on wikipedia.
Did you know she has 14 (formerly 15) children?

Yoko Ono. DID YOU KNOW SHE BROKE UP THE BEATLES?!?! I find Yoko Ono
fascinating for a number of reasons. First and foremost is because
she is seemingly hated by an entire generation of Beatles fans. I
don’t know why, precisely, the Beatles broke up, but I’m pretty sure
it’s not Yoko Ono’s fault. However, there is a lot going on (as they
say) in this celebrity narrative, not the least of which, I have a
feeling, has everything to do with lingering post-WWII sentiments.
That aside, Ono and Lennon are incredible celebrities: consider their
peace work, numerous controversies, bizarre collaborations, and
Lennon’s tragic death.
At the risk of sounding like I just don’t get it, I’ll just ask you to
think about the nature of her performance art. Have you ever heard
her…sing?
With all that in mind, I can’t help but think about Ono in the
following terms: she was born in 1933 in Tokyo and she grew up, in
Japan, during the Pacific War (Japan was embroiled in war long before
Pearl Harbor). She lived through the Tokyo fire bombings and was the
first woman to enroll in the philosophy department at Gakushuin
University. And so on and so forth.
Maybe it’s because I am currently neck deep in Japanese post-war
women’s history, but I think “Yoko Ono” and I think, “wow.”

Dustin Hoffman. He won me over with his scathing Oscar speech. Who
am I kidding? He’d already won me.

Stephen Colbert. Multiple Personality Disorder.

Oprah. She’s so powerful. She own’s the letter O.

5.) You can only be best friends with one person in all of
celebritude, past and present. Who? How did you two meet? What’s your
favorite thing to do together?

Tina Fey is my knee-jerk choice, but I suspect that if I picked Ellen
then I’d also get to hang out with Portia.
We met at a hoagie convention.
Our favorite thing to do is eat while being brunette and wearing glasses.
I guess it’s Tina after all.

6.) You can only date one person in all of celebritude, past and
present. Who? Where would you first date be? What would he/she get
you for your birthday?

Long before I met my current, wonderful partner, I dated Archibald
Alexander Leach (stage name: Cary Grant). He took me out to dinner and dancing in Paris. He forgot my birthday because he was working overtime, as always, with
Randolph Scott. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway; he’s a much
better dancer.

As for a living person, I would have gladly taken Benedict
Cumberbatch. If I had to.

7.) Who do you regard as the lowest depth of celebritude?

The depth of celebritude is a noxious concoction of sleeze, hate
speech, ignorance, flamboyant wealth, and misanthropy: Sarah Palin,
Ke$ha, Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton, Mel Gibson, Kim Kardashian, that
girl from the internet who said Obama attacked her, the Trumps,
Octomom, Bill O’Reilly, Katy Perry, Hugh Hefner, etc etc

8.) Name a celebrity that is

a.) Overrated: Tom Cruise. Leonardo DiCaprio. Christina Hendricks.
Natalie Portman. Charlotte Johansen. James Franco. Michael Cera.
David Letterman. Marilyn Monroe. Kristen Stewart. Robert Patterson.
Ten years ago it would have been Helen Hunt. And Tom Cruise. THERE
ARE SO MANY.

b.) Underrated: Michael K. Williams. Seriously, why is that guy not
in everything all the time?

c.) Appropriately rated: Gwyneth Paltrow.

9.) What is the greatest/most bombastic moment of celebrity ever?
(Example: A-Rod posing for a photo shoot as a centaur)

Bombastic: Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift. Or Jack Palance’s
pushups. Or Monroe’s birthday song to the president. Or Bono’s
sunglasses. Whatever is new this week on GOOP. Lindsay Lohan’s
entire paparazzi-ed career.
Greatest: the Sarah Palin/Katie Couric interview and subsequent SNL parodies
AND
The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear
AND
Stephen Colbert’s White House Press Conference Roast
Shocking: the Michael Richards meltdown

10.) Where do you get gossip on your celebrities of interest? Explain more?

Your blog. Otherwise, I don’t read celeb gossip. I don’t even read
the blurbs on imdb. I do, however, watch a lot of interviews and
speeches on youtube.

11.) How do celebrities and stardom relate to your own work/extra-work
activites?

I find the Japanese star system fascinating and completely enigmatic.
After I complete the diss, I’m thinking about wading into those murky
waters. To some extent, one of my chapters deals with contemporary
female directors (in Japan) as stars, particularly in regards to how
they and their films are marketed to spectators.

13.) Why is celebrity culture — and our attention, analysis, and
discussion of it — important?

Study of celebrity culture matters because celebrities matter to people, otherwise they wouldn’t exist. Teens obsess and fantasize over the images and personas of celebrities, ultimately shaping their ideas and expectations about themselves and relationships with others. For that matter, adults do it too (e.g. Twilight, Baywatch…Audrey, Marilyn, James, Roc, Clooney, Pitt, Jolie, Johansen). Kids, adolescents, and adults—male and female—hold celebrities up as standards for everything from public morays to body image. Celebrities tell us the news, perform our breakup music, teach us how to make holiday wreaths out of pipe cleaners, persuade us how to vote, tell us what books to read, and help us figure out what kinds of haircuts to get. Celebrities give us stuff to talk about at obligatory family gatherings and awkward first dates. Celebrities give us a Bacon Number. And none of that is accidental.