What I Know For Sure About Jake Gyllenhaal

(vis-a-vis Taylor Swift’s Red)

Has blue eyes (“State of Grace”)

You never saw him coming (“State of Grace”)

Is your achilles heel (“State of Grace”)

Took your virginity (or some approximation thereof) (“State of Grace”/”Red”/”Treacherous”/”Trouble”/”I Almost Do”)

If you have feelings for him, they will take the shape of metaphors involving colors (“Red”)

Is good with his hands (“Treacherous”)

Is trouble (“Trouble”)

Clarification: is trouble when he walks in (“Trouble”)

Has a new girlfriend (“Trouble”)

Wears belts with notches (“Trouble”)

Has a plane? To fly you places you’ve never been? (“Trouble”)

Still has your scarf in his desk drawer. That smells like you. (“All Too Well”)

Played t-ball (“All Too Well”)

Has a sister (HOLLA, MAGGIE G!) and a mother who tells stories about him (“All Too Well”)

Also glasses and a twin bed and a refrigerator with a light. (“All Too Well”)

Dates 22-year-olds. (“22″)

Has a chair by the window, looking out at the city (“I Almost Do”)

May or may not wonder about you (“I Almost Do”)

Has a telephone that you almost call almost every night (“I Almost Do”)

Is very active in dreams as concerns the touching of faces (“I Almost Do”)

Likes to break up and get back together like a 14-year-old boy (“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”)

Is one of those awesome guys who needs space after a month apart (“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”)

Music tastes: Indie Records > T.Swift (“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”)

Just to be clear, is never ever ever ever getting back together with you (“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”)

Adorable fight resolution tactic: put on a football helmut while fighting (“Stay Stay Stay”)

Carries groceries; finds 22-year-old amusement endearing (“Stay Stay Stay”)

Repeated, sad-faced refusal to put you on the top of his list (“The Last Time”)

Responds positively to jokes on the door (“Holy Ground”)

Fits poems like a perfect rhyme (“Holy Ground”)

His face = in every crowd (“Holy Ground”)

Has love as big as New York City (“Holy Ground”)

Dancing is not worthwhile without him (“Holy Ground”)

Has long handwritten note in pocket.  Right now. (“Sad Beautiful Tragic”)

Incites sadness, beauty, tragedy (“Sad Beautiful Tragic”)

Has green eyes?  (“Everything Has Changed”)

Has freckles? (“Everything Has Changed”)

Has a simple name? (Everything Has Changed”)

Eyes look like coming home? (“Everything Has Changed”)

Doesn’t like it when you wear highheels (“Begin Again”)

Doesn’t get that song (“Begin Again”)

Unchivalrous, untimely (“Begin Again”)

No really: doesn’t think you’re funny (“Begin Again”)

Probably is listening to this album on repeat just as much as I am (“Annie’s Deep Thoughts, 3 pm, Day After Thanksgiving 2012″)



7 Responses to “What I Know For Sure About Jake Gyllenhaal”

  1. Greeney28 says:

    I love this post very, very much.

  2. Real life interaction says:

    Doesn’t have the decency to say ‘Thank You” when you keep the door open for him.

  3. Katieay says:

    Missed your 21st birthday, even when he said he’d be there (The Moment I Knew)

  4. Janelle says:

    Now what about the state of his career, cause they keep trying to make him happen.

  5. ashley says:

    I believe trouble is about Mr. John Mayer

  6. M. says:

    For greater accuracy…

    State Of Grace – Jake Gyllenhaal
    Red – Jake Gyllenhaal
    Treacherous – John Mayer
    I Knew You Were Trouble – John Mayer
    All Too Well – Gyllenhaal
    I Almost Do – Gyllenhaal
    We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together – Gyllenhaal
    Stay Stay Stay – No one in particular, about her ideal reltionship
    The Last Time – Collab/not about anyone in particular
    Holy Ground – Ex boyfriend she’s now cool with (Jonas?)
    Sad Beautiful Tragic – Gyllenhaal
    Everything Has Changed – Conor Kennedy
    Starlight – Ethel Kennedy
    Begin Again – Conor Kennedy
    The Moment I Knew – Gyllenhaal
    Come Back… Be Here – Gyllenhaal

    It’s hilarious, though, how many legitimate outlets get it wrong. Gossip is a game of telephone.